Lately my internal landscape has been very dark and similar to a black hole in space. Battling with never ending gloom struggle mentally and physically due to a massive extended period of back pain every day has seemed like I was crawling uphill backwards with a 100 tone back pack on my back.
In early March I was delighted to release my third novel with most of the work on it down to just myself with the exception of employing an artist to design the cover. I went into the launch week full of enthusiasm with a sense of “this is the one”, Truth is I rushed the final aspects of editing and since it went to print I’ve become aware of errors. I reached out online for feedback about areas I can market the book only to receive a huge piece of feedback from one individual which had truth behind it but at the time seemed very harsh.
I took the feedback badly and plummeted into negative emotions. This also came during the peak of my back pain and I was badly affected by this. It caused me to not be able to sleep.I was unable to do pretty much anything for a while, I felt hopeless and those dreaded demons of feeling like a failure hit me like a bullet to the heart. One major issue which was plaguing me was how I was going to survive financially. I was desperate to find a way to make my writing work succeed to the point where I was making huge amounts of money and yes I was doing another familiar thing, I was comparing myself to other writers which was making me feel worse.
One aspect of my life which continues to be of concern is how my body seems to be going through some alarming changes. Not knowing whether this is normal due to my age or a physical determination due to my disability. I’ve recently put some changes into action to see if they make a difference so I just have to give that time, however this has contributed towards my poor mental health.Of I’m brutally honest I’m terrified about what is happening to me and feel very alone.
Gradually I began to tackle issues but by bit, I wanted to raise my profile so I took to giving my website an overhaul which was both frustrating and very rewarding at the same time. I signed up to lots of training webinars looking for help and inspiration. I learned new social media tips and started to put a few things in place. Something still didn’t feel right the ideas of solely writing fiction suddenly didn’t feel like where I wanted to be. I came across a free coaching session on Facebook and religiously tuned into each session over a weeks period.
THEN it hit me!!! By following some simple ideas during the sessions I was following I asked myself this simple question “where is my passion, what do I love to do what am I good at”. I came to these conclusions, I love people, I love to support them.I am knowledgeable about what life is like as a disabled person, a person with mental health a person who lives with chronic pain. So what next, I realized that this was what I needed to do, be someone who,passed on advice knowledge, and first hand experience to others seeking help, like a mentor, a coach,yes that was it a life coach I wanted to be a life coach specifically helping disabled people, to support them to overcome anxiety and depression caused by simply living with disabilities.
So what’s next, well I’m researching life coaching courses working on what content I want to put out into my sign up corse I am developing and generally moving forward with my plans to become a coach. It may have taken me ten years from retiring from dance to know to work out my plan but it’s finally happening and I feel so ready, have all the knowledge enough to make a real good stab at this new career.
I’m not saying that I’m walking away from writing, but I need something to focus on that gives me that buzz again like I had when I taught dance and could see the eyes of other disabled people light up,when they realized they could do it, especially the younger participants, I had something to offer them, I was a role model just by being myself, and I wanted that again not for ego’s sake more for the knowledge that I was having a positive effect on a persons life. So many people have been role models to me and made a huge difference to my life so I know how it feels to have someone to look up to who helps you get through life’s struggles.
Watch this space x