Masterminding The Matrix and Disproving my deep rooted Belief of the F word(not that one, the other one opposite to success)

I’m now at a point in my life where even though I can sit back and pat myself on the back for getting so far since my journey began…well done you made it!! But now I’m at a point where my mind is consumed with thoughts around things like, what next, what is possible, how can I use my knowledge and skills to good affect I’m still here four years ago it was feeling like I wouldn’t be, I was drifting from one big messed up situation to another just happy to fall away from notice and disappear somehow.How different my mind has changed I am constantly thinking about what life will be like in two years five years even ten years time. As a human being I feel like I have learned so much so many skills even without realising it mostly, and I want to use that knowledge to show others to inspire to help make other people lives better.All sounds like a wonderful dream doesn’t it A while ago I did some coaching and part of the tasks were to make up a vision board, images texts sticking things onto paper the whole works.I recently took it off the wall to show some friends who were staying over and found myself really studying it again in detail, it had been on the wall for so long it was turning into just another image on the wall that blends into the decor of a room. But on Thursday night, I looked at it again, and I mean I studied it for ages resulting in very mixed emotions. At first I felt like, yeah I still want all those things 100% and then my focus turned to a small handful of the visions that I had actually achieved yes I HAD some real positive outcomes to a number of things I wanted for myself and I was overwhelmed with pride.I was doing well recently I had mastered a few things around combatting my anxiety levels which makes each day a little less difficult to get through but then all of a sudden due to some hard hitting feedback about aspects of my working life which incidentally I asked for and BOOM!!!!! My head has been hitch hiking on an out of control roller coaster or a fast moving train with no driver and now I’m left with a very heavy heart and I’m completely analysing my entire existence I’m asking myself questions like

: where am I/ how am I feeling

:Where do I want to be

:What can I offer

:what do I want to be doing

I got myself in such a state earlier today I had a total melt down. Then quickly I’m proud to say my new stronger brain kicked in and began to immediately problem solve and I stopped doing the mandatory chores for ten minutes and I set myself up to meditate.I knew my anxiety levels had hit a peak and I needed to calm down I needed to do so more importantly as I knew that high levels of anxiety affects me physically, very fast like it makes my daily levels of pain escalate it heightens my feelings of overwhelm it makes the small tasks needed to run a home seem like climbing mountains.So, I picked up my phone and headphones and selected a track from garage band which I had written myself and I completed a ten minute mindfulness meditation WOW!! it worked. I can’t express enough how finding mindfulness has changed my life, yes I’m lazy and don’t use it as much as I should to make me feel even better but there’s my honesty I don’t use it enough but here’s the growth, I’ve recognised two things here, that mindfulness works for me and that I KNOW I don’t use it enough so I’m making a promise to myself and to you reading this right now that I will use it more I’ll check in with you on that subject in a later blog and give you a progressive report.

I’m writing this Blog for a number of reasons, firstly to produce a piece of work I have done which ultimately makes me feel like I’ve achieved something, that search that need to achieve something positive is a daily struggle even the tiniest of thing can make a huge difference.

The second reason I’m writing this particular Blog is to use it as a way to really get my jumbled up thoughts feelings and emotions out there to release the negatives and kick their ass out of my head and blow them up like adding dynamite to a huge pile of rubbish on a bonfire, again a tool I learned in therapy recently was a visualisation of me placed on a beach surrounded by a small group of influential women who I look up to for their different qualities, we place all my negative thoughts feelings and emotions into a giant wooden crate seal it up and cover it from top to bottom in dynamite and blow that thing up real good then dance around the ashes of it in celebration…This visualisation is so powerful to me and so helpful.

So answering my own questions here we go:

Where am I/what are my feelings

Am I good enough

Am I wasting my time etc etc etc you know all about those voices right?

I feel like a failure, there I said it outright.Im frustrated that I want to do more with my life but financially I can’t buy my way into learning how to achieve certain skills to put things in place to actually learn the stuff I need.

I need a role that doesn’t involved a strict time regime like a full time or even part time job.By having a task to do, a creative one at that it focuses my mind away from the negative beliefs it uses my brain instead of just sitting back and watching tv all day.

I feel like the success I’ve had with my first two books was a lie, a fluke that can’t be repeated. If you asked me now looking back on the books I’ve published are you happy that they are the best they can be, honesty I would have to say no I’m not.By taking my writing more and more seriously I have learned so much and without sounding arrogant I know my writing skills have massively improved. I’ve begun to,have thoughts in my head like, all those who have invested in my writing so far have done so out of pity, I know that’s a horrible thought and it stems from some words I can’t shake off from someone who bullied me and ripped my To pieces my first book and tried to ruin my reputation by commenting on my social media platforms luckily for me I had an army of supporters who knew me better who rallied round and lifted me up whilst surrounding me inside a protective wall.

That was almost four years ago, bring things up to date and I’m in a similar situation.About two moths ago I released my third novel which in and off took three years to complete. I had decided for financial reasons I would do as much of the work in producing the book myself previously I had employed someone who edited my work worked with an artist to create an image for the cover and had the contacts with a printing company to actually print the books, all of which cost me a lot of money. Since that last book I felt that I had learned enough skills to do everything required to produce a book. The only cost involved with this one was towards the front cover, my attempts at teaching myself art good enough to be used as a front cover had sadly failed so I caved in and approached someone for help.

I had created a plan in my head for a marketing strategy which I kicked off months before I had even finished writing the book. I was all over social media and set up a regular pattern of showing up with different tactics to entice potential new readers and gain overall support for this new book coming out. I was getting a lot of reaction from some aspects of social media which was encouraging I even went way out of my comfort zone and started a YouTube channel deliberately posting content which would draw people towards me, and ultimately towards my books. I really opened up and let people into my life and showed many aspects of it that is deeply private but A I wanted to represent those people in society that feel isolated by their situations and I wanted to give them positive messages be a role model kind of thing,And B, I wanted to build a loyal audience that I could build on and get more book sales.

I had an overwhelming feeling of optimism I felt so strongly that this book, would rise me up and start giving me opportunities to really change my life for the better some musicians or music experts say that sometimes you hear s song in the studio and instantly know it’s going to be a hit, a number one the meal ticket to success, well naively I felt that book three was my number one hit my best seller I had pored so much of myself into it’s content, spent hours writing, and researching and doing personal development that I felt I had everything it took to make this one really impact on the world and on me….

The Truth hurts!!!!!! I enthusiastically reached out to a social media group for writers and asked for advice as to why this book wasn’t getting sales I was not ready for the response. Someone responded by symptomatically picking out every single error or weakness not just in the book itself but every single aspect of my material I put out on social media.

Initially I was shocked angry and deeply hurt by all the negative comments I reacted emotionally, obviously, took it to heart and felt like I was being unfairly attacked.

For about three days after this I was devastated the F word was surrounding me and screaming at me like a small kid being surrounded in the playground and verbally shouted at by its peers thinking that I would have to somehow find a way to manage my pain better and go out there and get a job at the checkout in the local supper market.i was quickly reminded that had too much to offer than settling for a job I didn’t want. I had been following a coach online who I had completely emotionally connected with and had begun to put into practise some aspects of the different things she was teaching me through her work brings me right up to the now…last night I watched a vlog she posted about your purpose, your passion and how to turn that into something you can earn a living from doing so I am not analysing myself in that way, my skills and knowledge are these things as far as I am aware:

I developed skills over a 17 year career as a dance practitioner specialising in teaching skills to people with a range of different physical learning and sensory disabilities.

I enjoy creating fiction which represents characters from the various communities I feel part of al,also enjoy writing poetry and composing music I write dozens of sound scores that I use to help me meditate. And scores I use as soundtracks to accompany my vlogs

I can speak to people who say inspire them with my attitude and approach to life I enjoy the feelings I get when someone tells me I’ve inspired them even though I’m just being me Having gone through life not having many role models I love the idea of being a role model and making other disabled people feel more like there are things that you can do and do well despite your disability.

I like to help raise awareness of various subjects to represent and to educate others about the issues around these subjects.

I love my new found obsession of vlogging

I enjoy sharing on my vlogs different ways that I handle my own mental health and anxiety which makes me think I would be a good MH coach or counsellor of some kind

This now brings me up to another question:

Where do I want to be:dream big my coach I follow is always saying so here goes:

I want to live in a home with my partner close to the sea(spiritually I feel at home by water). I want to be able to cook healthy meals with ease and I want a small,family of dogs (like no more than four).

I want a job where it doesn’t feel like work, I want to earn enough to be comfortable and not have money worries. And I want my working hours to be flexible and 100% on my terms.

I want a profile and reputation for my work big enough to be respected and admired, success not fame but a profile that offers me exciting opportunities

I want a loyal customer base where I’m guaranteed to make money from with the work I produce

I want to be in a position financially where I can definitely afford to sign up to the most expensive course the coach offers who I follow which would give me a life time membership,to dip in and out when I need it.

I want to be able to a separate office space to escape to or a separate room in the house and be fully focussed on work instead of having to plug my headphones in and struggle to concentrate when there’s so many distractions around me, whilst I’m sat on the sofa.

I want to find a method of living my life where on days of extreme pain which is most days I can actively either stop the pain or find a way to carry on whilst managing the pain and not let it dictate my life.

Those are all my skills and my where I want to be which has in itself been useful to document now I have to do the hard work in finding a role that involves either all of or at least one or two of these elements and earn a living from.

So back to the book and the feedback

I’m slowly going over all my social media platforms and making a few changes within my capabilities and I’m taking the book off my amazon page so I can go back to the long winded process of re re re editing it to make it bullet proof and void of any mistakes and criticism. I’ve learned that sometimes I go into panic mode in a problem situation and rush with the solution I need to learn to slow down and be more meticulous even if it means a delay in producing something.I still believe this book is my Number 1 hit I will never loose that belief I will find a way to achieve my goals one day people all around me prove it can be done everyday so it must be true.

Four years ago in this situation I would have just given up. I need to start practicing what I am trying to preach out there like Be Happy Be You and NEVER GIVE UP!!

If you have enjoyed this blog please leave me a comment any thoughts on how I work this all out also VERY welcome.

One of my initial reasons for writing this particular blog was to vent and make some kind of sense out of all the messed up thoughts feelings and emotions I was experiencing earlier today too lower the levels of anxiety I was having and YES…..This has worked I’m nowhere near closer to figuring out where I’m heading with my career but one things for sure my melt down and anxiety seems like a very long distance away.

Thanks for reading my blog don’t be a stranger get intouch leave advice feedback whatever but please do reach out

Thank you


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