Having discovered my hidden feelings and their effects on me over time I began counselling with a Sence of urgency and enthusiasm.I had this crazy notion that I will find a quick fix for me grief and be able to live happily ever after as they say. I was not prepared for the routes this would take me to and the hidden can of worms I was to eventually find myself in. As we progressed we explored deeper into my childhood and really did start to peel away all the layers of hidden memories, and feelings.i was completely unprepared for what I would go through and how this would affect me.I quickly developed nightmares, flashbacks and feelings towards people close to me that really took me by surprised.I was forced to take a break from counselling to due holidays and during this time I well….fell apart was left totally exposed to real deep unexpected unwanted emotions like being made to lay on a bed of broken glass. Thankfully during this period my partner was stronger than ever before and let me “be” how I naturally needed to be and react whilst offering me love and support and stability like ide never known before she became my absolute rock. Through her support I began to think that for a few reasons my allocated counseller wasn’t the right one for me so I requested to be allocated a new one.I had a strong feeling that I was beginning to understand more about the different kind of symptoms and diagnosis and felt that I would be given a specific diagnosis in time. When I asked for a new counseller I requested one who had specific experience in one area.
One of the hardest things I’m learning to deal with is the unpredictability of my state of mind on a daily basis and realising that this alone is exhausting, I call this pattern of mood swings “yoyo” .Sadly during this most period I have not been able to help myself much in the form of my creative work, I have penned one or two poems relating to grief and in particular loosing my best friend last month. My energy levels have been on the floor so even sitting still and trying to write has been impossible.I am constantly feeling restless in the evenings and my sleep is all over the place. Throughout all this I still try to focus on any positives instead of dwelling on the negatives but sometimes it feels there are non in some situations.I have been so used to hiding my feelings and “getting a grip” for the sake of others that even now that I’m in a position with my partner to just feel…and really feel and not be ashamed to feel I’m very uncomfortable with this but I’m learning.My physical pain levels have also played a huge part they work hand in hand if I’m low I get back pain if I’m in pain I get low it’s a vicious cycle. My stress hasn’t been helped by the fact that my pain management appointments seem to be getting me nowhere so I need to make a decision about this sooner rather than later.
In summing up what have I learned, peeling the onion can be painful and difficult but ultimately it will leave me with a pleasant taste.Secondly I’ve learned that if you are allowed to grieve on your own terms it’s very hard and can help you grow as a person and appreciate life more at the same time, I have a desire to mend a few bridges between myself and key members of my family.Thirdly whilst I’ve allowed myself to feel emotional and vulnerable this isn’t a weakness having someone by your side who really knows and understands you is so good I was laying down earlier today looking after my partner who wasn’t feeling well and suddenly realised how relaxed and content I was in that moment the first time in weeks probably months I had felt like this.Sadly I am still feeling the effects of side taking medication which gave me a huge reaction and the symptoms seem to be getting worse but I’m also aware they may be like this due to recent events and my levels of stress and grief so I have decided to give them a while longer before I go back to my doctor for advice. I have been taking advice and started to meditate again more often and practising mindfulness, I feel so blessed looking out of the window and see the rich sea of coloured leaves on the path. And I love just being able to relax completely with my partner and have a Sence of feeling content and safe.Im stronger than I think I am at times and I just need to remind myself more often.if you peel an apple or an onion and you get to the chore don’t always throw it away the core is where all the good stuff grows from and I’m proud to finally recognise that despite my inner struggles my core is good.