Over the last year and a half I have come so far and achieved a lot.Relaesing my second novel meant so much to me as I didn’t expect to be able to complete a second, and I didn’t expect to sell many of the first.All the more reason to be happy and enjoying life you would think right?however since opening Pandora’s box aka…having counselling and opening up to face my various issues I find myself feeling like I have made things worse for myself.I realise this may only be temporary as I “work through” stuff but it is so much information and new feelings to deal with on top of everything else.Somedays I feel so overwhelmed it’s all I can do to get out of bed some days,but…I do get up because well, I’m alive and want to achieve so much I value my life despite having dark days.I debated for some time whether I needed medication having heard so much press about the side affects plus the stigma of taking anti depressent medication weighed heavy on my mind.eventually my counseller suggested I look into it to get me through these initial difficult periods whilst being so open..I relented and made a doctors appointment to discuss things.
Three months on from starting medication I can definitely see the difference in myself.I can appreciate that before I was very short tempered and got wound up very easily, I know I’m more laid back now but still loose my temper on bad days. The most significant thing I have learned is exceptiance of my mental health status and all the triggers/ factors that affect its stability.I had an idea that taking medication would contribute towards a quick fix of my symptoms which I have since learned is unrealistic and untrue. Every day is different and the slightest thing can change my mood in the blink of an eye. Ive begun to unsterstand how tiring it can be too. Having chronic pain means I am constantly going round in circles. If I’m having a bad day with pain, this affects my mood, if I’m upset or something happens to bring me down I very quickly suffer pain.Now that I accept my illness instead of feeling negative about it all the time I’m thankful for the help I receive from the professionals and friends and family around me…if I’m having a bad day I accept it and let go of any expectations I may have for that day if I cannot achieve things.Since developing my writing work, I have embraced the idea of writing about my situation living with mental health.This has been the biggest revelation of all.I think my writing has a bigger impact on my state of mind than any other pill could have.The benefits being Its accessible to me 24/7 unlike some mental health services you might otherwise rely on. Whatever you write it belongs to you and no one else you can’t be judged for your own thoughts and feelings.sometimes I don’t even know what I’m feeling I’m just…not right so I take to my iPad and see what happens sometimes it’s a blog like this other times it’s a poem…or even an event for a character in one of my books.For me being able to express how I feel sometime feels like all the treatment I need.Before I started all this I would have laughed at anyone who suggested I write poetry or write anything about my own feelings but now it’s most defiantly my go to technique for coping with my mood of the day.I feel so pationate about this that I encourage anyone to try it at any given opportunity I’ve even set up a Facebook page for anyone who is on a similar journey who find writing helps…look at me thinking of helping others whilst helping myself live with this.Theres a lot of coverage out there which is focussed on stamping out the stigma of mental health and I am proud to part of behind the mask foundation.It helps me and by being open to others I hope to continue to help them.The funny thing is I’m not the most acedmically minded although English language was one of my best subjects at school, I’m on the dyxsleia spectrum so taking in lots of information from books is impossible but somehow I have learned to express my feelings. I am able to demonstrate my creativity through spoken/written work so that proves that I don’t need a degree to be able to do this for myself or anyone else.With modern day technology blogging or vlogging is so accessible so this makes it easier for more people to express their views and feelings and I encourage more people out there to follow, more discussion means better education which helps attitudes, and maybe even help to improve all services that provide support to people.My journey isn’t over it’s already had many twists and turns but I’m proud of myself for coping, and asking for help when I needed it.
I have recently gone through the loss of my best friend on top of dealing with renewed grief for my dad and the implications of that have left me feeling like I’m actually going through two bareievemts at once which is hard for anyone to understand or cope with.As it stands today I am waiting for an assessment for a definitive diagnosis and it is early days after the death of my friend but I’m alive I get up every day and shower and dress and I can smile and laugh at things after all laughter really does cheer me up.Im a work in progress some days I’m strong other days I’m a mess but I’m still me…and I’ve learned all over again to love me and be grateful for my life.I maybe a pin in a giant game of ten pin bowling but I will always get back up again and face another tomorrow.