Strength in numbers there’s no shame in sharing

You can take a pain killer for a head ache you can put a plaster on a cut but dealing with a mental health condition is much more complex that just taking pill.Sometimes I feel like I need a degree in medicine to understand what’s happening to me. Some days it feels like I’m on a fairground ride going round in circles, if I’m having a bad MH day this triggers my chronic back pain, if I wake with pain  I get very depressed and so we go round and round and there seems no way to get off.Having recently suffered the loss of my best friend of 44 years I feel more unstable than ever. I began to accept my mental health and its cause..the death of my father and not being able to grieve for him at the time of his death, as I bagan my counselling talking about this began to unfold many other issues, memories and emotions which to be honest has knocked me sideways. Due to a very difficult break up of my parents marriage when dad died it was a difficult situation dealing with my grief I felt I had to be the grown up sister and be loyal to mum as I was living with her not dad.

What I find so hard and something I hadn’t considered was how tiring it is living with mental health.I can wake up pain free and ready to face the day with good intentions then in a split second I can be in floods of tears. In my sessions at pain management they keep talking about pacing….great in theory but for a feaircly independant disabled woman this is asking for the impossible.I’m quickly learning that I’m unable to work at the same pace that I’m used to, I can do. A few light tasks then my back begins to be painful so I have to rest but whilst I’m resting I get more and more stressed about all the things that need doing and I can’t do them because I’m resting….fairground ride yet again going round and round.ive found the last couple of weeks so difficult I described it to a friend like I was greaving all over again for two people even though dad died over twenty years ago I’m only just dealing with my feelings about that now with my best friend also passing away I feel like I’ve been double punched and it’s so hard trying to get back up.Dealing with grief and having existing MH issues affects my whole body in so many ways, Loss of appetite, poor sleep, low energy, going from down to hyper, overly emotional short tempered no patience, then there’s the added issue of chronic physical pain in the mix which is tiring, leaves me unable to move for varying periods of time causing frustration and we go round and round all over again.Granted the pills help with the pain and the new meds I have for my MH has calmed me down and stopped my impatience to a degree but at this point I’m really not sure I can find a way to stop the yoyo from bouncing.Ive been intouch with the usually professional organisations for support but like with most things there seems to be a lot of red tape to go through and endless waiting, staff off sick etc etc.With the death of my friend and my grief for dad being let out I’m overwhelmed I keep having the feeling of just wanting to take to my bed and get up in a week or two and feel better once the funeral has taken place.My partner, friends and family Have been amazing I wouldn’t be this stable without them.I have taken great comfort in reading other people’s stories of their mental health journey they are all truly an inspiration to me.My strength has been tested to the maximum but I know it’s just a matter of time to get over the death of my friend. My mental health journey however is far from over, I’m fighting for the correct diagnosis, starting to recognise TRIGGERS, and thanks to being a writer the best medication so far has definitely been my blogs and my poetry. I recently submitted some of my poetry to a mental health seminar and received overwhelming posative feedback and responses. Every day is different. Today is world mental health day this has been a blog about where I am right now and there is no shame in sharing there is no shame with mental health, you are not weak asking for help, it shows strength I hope I can help at least one person who maybe struggling by reading my blog as I continue my journey.

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