“Everything happens for a reason” is a saying I’m all too familiar with. I never ever thought that one day I would be sat here and totally believing in it.
Despite me having very low self esteem I was determined to get myself out into the world so I threw myself out there and was out most weekends meeting new people from the various groups I had joined online. What was unfortunate for me was that each gathering usually focused around eating and drinking and generally living it up which meant lots of alcohol.Very rapidly I developed a dependecy to alcohol but because of my small stature I wasn’t able to consume much before it really affected me and I would get drunk and sick very easily. For some reason I felt that to be accepted as “normal” and “one of us” I had to party hard just like everyone else and I felt a need to keep up whilst I was out with people. The drunk me felt confident, fun to be around, and living life despite all the obstacles I was facing eg, living with a physical disability. I felt sure that living like this was bound to attract people to me as both friends and potential partners.The reality was through my behaviour I was getting myself into all kinds of trouble and probably developing an unwanted reputation I experienced event after event each time ending with remorse but for some reason unable to controle my baviour or the need to use alcohol to try to turn myself into a positive likeable person instead I was turning into someone I hated and felt others disrespected me as well and just expected the worse from me every time.The need to forget or the need to fill a void was far greater than any self respect I had left. I was living a double life, to my family and those friends around me in the new social circles I was surrounding myself with I was happy, confident and friendly and outgoing on the inside my life was falling apart and I was lonely and full of self loathing. I eventually caught a lucky break when I was asked to participate in a q and a at the festival I was now a volunteer for. I was to watch a film documentary made by another disabled LGBT lady and take questions from the audience. At the same time this was happening unknown to myself some new people in my life had a whole different agenda about our friendships/relationships and I was treated pretty badly and my good caring nature was abused I was only focuses on what good I saw in people and didn’t want to believe that I could be treated so badly and be fooled by people’s attention of me….how wrong was i.You know I totally believe in the theory that the Internet has become a vital asset in disabled people’s lives technology on all levels is so advanced now that even the most isolated person can find ways to communicate and engage with the world outside so yes it’s a great thing…However, I also believe that many people out there will abuse the power the Internet and the technology they have at their disposal. My personal circumstances and all round good nature has been abused and tested so many times as a result of me reaching out to the wider world.Whilst trying to further my social circles I found that all my experiences were beginning to make me retreat even further back into my shell and isolation.Suddenly I hate myself for my good nature, kindness empathy and openness all my good traits had suddenly become my worst nightmare and enemy I felt so lost and started to drink more and more and spending countless nights alone drinking until the birds woke up and the sun rose .I hated this and mentally tortured myself each time vowing never to let it happen again, which was pointless as I knew it would.
All the time this was happening I kept going back in my mind to the conversations I had had with the film maker who I had befriended due to the Q and A at the festival. I had a light bulb moment when I became aware that no one was represented people from the two communities I was largely part of, the LGBT community and the Disabled community. In one of my many manic upbeat moments I announced to myself that I was going to address this issue by writing a script for a film so I instantly set to work, I had a flare for creative writing, time on my hands and a new fire in my belly to address this seemingly unjust invisible presence of my peers in the wider world of entertainment. This would stir up my creativity and give me a reason to not stay up till the early hours getting drunk, I needed a clear head to create something I was back in the arts in my own head at least, where I had felt I belonged before it was taken away from me and I was going to grasp it with both hands….. This was my chance to make my mark in the world again in some small way and I took up the challenge,knowledge is power would I use it wisely and would I conquer!??.