Excepting the long journey ahead

As I began to receive counselling I was also in the throws of yet another flare up of my back injury, sustained approximately 7 years ago. After a fall from my chair onto concrete I was dealing with increasingly painful episodes, unable to take a lot of time off work and with the demands of my job at the time I struggled on a self medicated with the usual basic cocktail of over the counter pain killers.After a few months my back finally gave in to the demands of my everyday life and was damaged further by me attampting to get into a taxi who’s seat was higher than my wheelchair so I had to lift upwards to get in, I immediately felt something pull and heard a ripping, twanging  noise coming from my back.Instantly I felt spasms and excruciating pain leaving me unable to move.I was able to continue along my way for a day out but the pain increased over the day.By the time I got home that evening I was breathless with pain and needed help getting back into my chair at home and consequently spent the next four hours slowly getting ready for bed and eventually climbing into bed.  From this point on my life changed so dramatically, I had to call in sick to work and notify my family the next day.I was able to see a doctor who gave me basic pain medication and said that within two to three weeks after total bed rest I should be fully recovered.What actually happened was I spent the next Severn miserable months being dependant on others for help to visit the bathroom, bath, and spent my days sleeping between taking the copious amounts of medication I was give. I Quickly developed a reaction to codeiene and was given an alternative within the first few days, the other medication knocked me to sleep and made my mood switch to being unable to function and feeling very depressed.To this day I am having regular bad days with pain but I am receiving early stages of pain management treatment so I’m hopeful that eventually I will be able to ‘manage’ my pain better. The situation with my back was quickly followed by my five year relationship coming to a very sudden end and the decision taken by my employers to fold our company due to budget cuts initiated by the new coalition government who had come into power.Within the space of a year I had sustained life changing injuries, lost my job which was such an important part of my life and now my long term relationship was over, I was in financial difficulty due to not adapting to not having regular income any longer and because I had been more or less living away with my ex partner for a number of years I had very few friends back at home and had not social life to speak of I felt totally alone, useless,unloveable, incapable of living a normal adult independent life with no hope of a good future times were very dark and I self medicated the only way I knew how and that was to drink…heavily and Wollow in self pity whilst alone but always putting on a brave face to family mainly but to a certain extent to the outside world as a whole. Eventually I realised my financial situation was very serious and I ate humble pie and asked for some help to get benefits sorted out.Whikst doing this I decided to go online and see what was out there locally for me to become sociallly active again I had put all my previous efforts into being with my partner I found it hard to make new friends and find a way to make it up to the distinguish friends I did have left.I took a deep breath and went online and soon found a number of groups that seemed appropriate to join on Facebook.I also decided after a few months to sign up to online dating websites.I had to find a way to get out of this hole and live again I had no self esteem left no confidence I was greasing for my partner who had left and for the career I loved for so long so much the feelings of worthlessness were overwhelming .I knew that I wasn’t in a position to go out alone as a freelance dance practitioner like my colleagues quickly did, my body was never going to be the same again and would not be reliable enough for me to guarantee I could carry out the work that I may or may not be lucky enough to gain as a solo practitioner.How was I going to fill the long days facing me with nothing to work towards and look forward to, I knew I needed to get out on the local LGBT scene to make friends and maybe find love again but how was I going to find the strength and courage to do it…Do you believe in fate?

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