So there it was hitting me like a high speed train I finally realised that I was self medicating myself to mask the emotional pain I was hiding from for almost 25 years. The feeling of finally understanding myself was at first very overwhelming but I knew I was right and that I was ready to tackle these issues head on.The following morning I woke up and prepared myself to visit the crematorium I wanted to say my own goodbye to dad in my own way on my own terms. Because my parents were divorced by the time he died there was a lot of tension and bad blood between them which split my entire family up. That morning I declared to myself and my partner that I was quitting alcohol and dealing with this head on. We set off to the crematorium, all the time I was preparing in my head what I was going to say which was a waste of time because nothing seemed to be the right thing to say when I arrived. It took a while sorting out with the office where the plot was for his family bench which had a plaque on it with his name his brother and sister who had all died within this time.I couldn’t help laugh when I was told he was in plot 7, my lucky number his favourite number too. Finally there I was sat next to his bench just staring at it as if I was trying to magically make him come to life again to see me. I said hello out loud and just began to talk to this wooden park bench covered in moss and cobwebs as if I was talking to an old friend I was having a coffee with after a few years apart.I told him all about my career and my health issues and what I was doing now, and spoke about different members of the family telling him he would be proud of my sister for everything she had become.At this point my partner reminded me that I should tell him all I had achieved and that he would be so proud of me also which made me sad as I just wished he had been there to see me go through the things I did that made me happy like my dance career.I was able to speak about how I could finally see things his way and why he behaved the way he did over certain matters. I had developed a “learned behaviour” a phrase I learned from counselling. He was bottling lots of things up about his life and hid behind alcohol to forget painful memories and thoughts….I realised I was more like dad than anyone could ever imagine despite all my childhood being told, you’re just like your dad. despite spending lots of time there in tears I felt an enormous sense of relief and comfort from being there and found it easy to speak about happy memories which actually made me laugh.I decided there and then that I was going to allow myself to grieve, I hadn’t had the chance before so now it was all going to be on my terms how ever difficult I had to do it because I knew by holding it back was making me unhappy and I didn’t want to be that person again I had many regrets about my behaviour in the past and I wanted to rid my thoughts of all these things and fill them with love and happy memories of dad….it was time to open the floodgates and let go…drink wasn’t helping so I knew I needed help dealing with this but my partner was right there helping me. Over the years I had let the wrong type of people into my life and this had a negative affect on me and felt unable to trust anyone.This began to filter through to my new career as a writer and I found certain jumping on the band wagon of pretending to be my friend only for their own gain when these friendships broke down I was subject to cyber bullying and attempts to ruin my fledgling writing career.Despite this situation in particular crushing me I was determined that I was going to take these people right out of my life and not let them affect my self esteem.Whilst I heard nothing further from these people I was dealt a multitude of negative situations which left me being unable to cope resulting in me starting to get panic attacks, which would manifest themselves either relating to these individuals or when I was having doubt about myself professionally.
So this made me realise now was the time to begin to seek professional help…a daunting prospect indeed I had the obvious overwhelming feelings of embarrassment and shame but I knew reaching out was the right move to make.With a Sence of I know what I need to discuss I entered into counselling with hope and expectations, a real desire to tackle head on the subject of what was clearly unfinished business, greasing for the death of dad…sounds simple, right? …..how wrong was I!